meet the team

Carter Vane

Senior News Anchor | Consumer Attention Analyst | Storyteller Extraordinaire

About
Delivering the world’s news with a sharp suit, sharper wit, and a smirk that knows more than it lets on. Specialising in breaking stories that everyone’s pretending to care about, because attention is scarce and outrage is the new currency.

I’ve spent years at the intersection of storytelling, marketing absurdity, and consumer psychology, helping audiences understand what actually matters… or at least what they think matters. When I’m not interrupting your regularly scheduled programming with hard-hitting insights, I’m thinking up ways to make mediocrity look compelling.

Experience

• Prime-Time News Anchor, Robber Brand Network, Making boring statistics sound urgent since… well, since AI started trying to do my job.
• Consumer Attention Analyst, Tracking trends, spotting the yawns, and reporting live on the collapse of focus worldwide.
• Storytelling Consultant, Teaching brands how to deliver their nonsense with maximum flair.

Skills

• Satirical Reporting
• Consumer Behavior Analysis
• Dramatic Pauses & Smirks
• Turning Marketing Baloney into Content Gold

Contact
If you have breaking news, ridiculous stats, or marketing disasters in need of a snarky commentator, I’m probably already on it.